Darcy v. Darcy

The inevitable Epic DarcyWar started brewing in 2005, when Director Joe Wright had the audacity to cast Matthew Macfayden as Fitzwilliam Darcy in a feature-length movie version of Pride and Prejudice. Macfayden's fluffy, emo portrayal of Darcy captured the heart of every American woman of a certain age--except, of course, for those of us who had the good fortune to see Colin Firth set the same role aflame in the gripping six-part BBC miniseries ten years earlier.

That said, I suppose Macfayden deserves a shot at the title. Let's weigh the pros and cons of the two Darcys--Matthew Macfayden (RetarDarcy) and Colin Firth (Darcylicious)--and see who comes out on top. Ahem.

Pros

RetarDarcy: I dress better and have better hair than he does. I mean, good heavens. It looks like he has spent hours facing into a stiff wind. In contrast, I will appear more attractive than usual.
Points: +2.

Darcylicious: Effortlessly scrumptious and endlessly smoldering. Fancies "fine eyes" (check) and sharp wit (check) when it comes to women; shapely calves apparently not a must.
Points: +1,978.

Cons

RetarDarcy: Seems floppy in general. This characteristic is a significant drawback during couples skating, public appearances, and the majority of passionate situations.
Points: -3,584.

Darcylicious: Makes me drool. In public. Bibs no longer considered an acceptable fashion accessory (though judging from current fashion trends, this point may soon be moot).
Points: -.001.

Shocking Final Score

RetarDarcy: - 3,582
Darcylicious: +1,977.999

Donahue vs Darcy

I can sum this battle up in 5 words, "Donahue, you is my boo!"

I love me some Donahue. Have since I was knee high to a grasshopper. And he just gets better and better and better ....
How does he stand up to Darcy?

Friends, I'munna need your help!

Darcy and Donahue----snacky double D.

So different. So loveable.

English v Irish---not a battle I'll be taking on---but one well documented elsewhere.

See....Donahue is a woman's man. There's no getting 'round it.
Not in a shaken-not-stirred or Cptn. Kirk-ish way---OH NO! He is redefines the phrase by offering the first (and finest) example known to woman-kind of the sensitive new-age man or SNAG. Open-minded. At ease with himself; engaged in the world; and the unparalelled King Midas of conversation - which is quite a gauntlet to Darcy's inability to recommend himself to strangers. That's a peg down for Darcy-- at least as far as this verbally titillated lady is concerned.

DD (darling Darcy) will have to get up early in the morning to unseat Phil from his toasty/hosty-throne.

The ballte's a tough one. They're quite equal in the baby blues department and fairly well-matched when it comes to loving a feminist making waves in her own world. (Well played Marlo! Hurrah Lizzie!)

Let's hear what the gentlemen have to say.

Hand the mic to Phil:

Is it any wonder that for millions of men the only intimacy is physical, silent, and predictable?
Phil Donahue

Marlo taught me things I thought I knew.
Phil Donahue

Mic to Darcy

Mr. Darcy: But not half a dozen would satisfy my notion of an accomplished woman.


Friends, you'll have to weigh in on this one. It's just too tough for me to call.

Darcy V. Mos Def

A delectable dilemma presents! The Babes in Pemberley Woods wonder: Can Mos Def shove Mr. Darcy out of the Hot Seat? He's lacking in the tallness department.... But in Mos Def's case, the Babes are willing to concede an important point: We're all the same height lying down. In the shade of an oak, of course; doing proper things like embroidery and, um, reading.

Let's let the gentlemen speak for themselves. Here's Darcy and Def on the ladies:

Mr. Darcy: I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow.

Mos Def: I seen her on the ave., spotted her more than once. Ass so fat that you could see it from the front. She spot me like paparazzi, shot me a glance in that Catwoman stance with the fat booty pants. Hot damn.

DARCY V. LYMAN

This, friends, is the battle that started it all. Babes in Pemberly Woods struggled with this one. Our discourse went a little like this:
S: Is MR. Darcy hotter than Josh Lyman? That's what's keeping me up nights.
J: Yes, but only marginally so.
S: You're right--- Darcy is a real man with a house and all---Lyman is a man/boy with an addictive personality
J: Right! Also, I feel like mr. darcy is more socially presentable. it might just be because he's taller, though.

WOOrds, WOOrds, WOOrds

Darcy: "I certainly have not the talent which some possess... of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done"

Lyman:Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not your sixth grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House Press Corps.
[heads to the podium]

Darcy: My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.

Welcome to Darcy Wars

Welcome to Darcy Wars.

Was ever a fictional character more drool-ed over than the famous Mr. Darcy. Indeed, no. Women of a certain age agree-- no one can live up to his perfection. He is beyond reproach. And---what with the swank digs and all---well--what more need be said?

We dare you world. Show us just one as dreamy as Darcy. BRING IT!

Sincerely,
Babes in Pemberly Woods