Gentle readers, I submit for your consideration a short list of things that hipster fashion has tried to replicate, but that fail miserably to make today’s men as delicious as Darcy.Skinny Pants
Darcy: Darcy’s thighs are like Christmas hams. Delicious Christmas hams. (Or large, holiday-appropriate kosher meat products of your choosing.) I’ll bet he could scissor a hippo in half with those suckers. And his calves? Don’t get me started. In short, skinny pants only serve to accentuate his manliness.
Hipster: Sticks in a tube. That’s what your legs look like. Knobby little sticks in a tube. Ugh. And why are you wearing them sagged? You look like an old man in long johns.
Popped Collars
Darcy: Behold the way the upright collar frames and enhances the sinews of his masculine neck! Mind you, the only reason his collar works is because it’s designed that way. It’s not like it came folded down and he popped it up in an effort to…what, make himself look bigger so he can scare away other men trying to vie for a woman’s attention?
Hipster: No, seriously. Put your collar down. Trust me, it looks stupid. Put it down, or it’s not the only thing around here that’s going to get popped. I’m not kidding.
Longish, Tousled Hair
Darcy: The tousling makes one want to smooth his curly locks. With one’s fingers. Just run them through a little bit to… hold still, now. There. Um, as long as I’m over here with my hands in your hair, you wanna make out or something? Hey, me too!
Hipster: Let’s talk about that thing you’re doing to your head. It’s an insult to both of us. I can’t determine your gender without seeing you naked, and I’m about 99% sure it’s not worth the effort (see also: skinny pants).
No offense to fashion designers trying to make a buck off of impressionable youth, but you just can't improve upon perfection. Or try to replicate it in a totally different era. The Babes in Pemberly Woods want to know: In what other ways was the Fashion of Darcy superior to comparable "modern" styles?
