DarcyWars

DARCY V. VAMPIRE BILL

2011-08-13T07:02:00.001-07:00

Chops- Check

Breeches-Check

Moodiness- Check

Giant house in need of a woman's touch- CHECK CHECK

Affection for bossy, virginal country girls complete with live-in mother figure dying to marry them off--Check, check-ity, check check check

Take yourself back in time to season 1--if you still can. When William T. Compton first cuts through the crowd at Merlotte's like a big, rude knife, plonks in a booth and orders him-pasty-self a TrueBlood , the script may as well have read: been at fangin' out at the Meryton Assembly refusing to dance in an assembly such as this. It is, after all, insupportable. We'd all rather they didn't stand around "in this stupid manner" but what's to be done? Nothing, we've just got to simmer down, put hot sauce on our po'boys and wait for the plot to thicken.

PROTECTIVE INSTINCTS:

DARCY: Will totally leave you hanging when you're lost for words at Rosings and spends acts 1&2 oblivious to the fact that your sister's misery is a drag for you, too. But, will comb God's green earth to save a different sister from Wickham and weenie to preserve your good name and secure your chances of making a good match (with him).

VAMPIRE BILL: Bit of a stalker really, makes up for it in other ways. Mind meld. Vamp speed. And, won't let no one mess with you no how. Drug dealers? he's kickin their ass in the parking lot. Murderers? He'll "go to ground" near your house to watch over you and brave burning in the sun to save you from the one chasing you into the graveyard. Eric Northman? well, not really much he can do about you in season one, sheriff, but he doesn't take kindly to your eyeballing his woman. In the aptitude test of your choice he scores higher in protective instincts than that kid in "The Blind Side".

FASHION SENSE:

DARCY: Has never even heard of a "members only" jacket, more less a track suit. Dresses to thrill in his Top hat and duster jacket (would love to borrow jacket btw--leave boyfriend jeans for the other girls)

VAMPIRE BILL: Has a frikkin "members only" jacket for every day of the week. But fills out a polo rather nicely.

TUB TIME:

DARCY:

VAMPIRE BILL:

BONUS POINTS BILL for not shaving your chest. Well done.

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL:

DARCY: Takes more than one "go" at this and won't give up 'till he gets his girl. He'll do whatever it takes, including fighting his own common sense to marry up.

VAMPIRE BILL: Sends you a dress. (boo!) Rents out a restaurant. (cheer!) Swingdances (meh, you've got too much dance space and you're all elbows--stop by Lee's Liquor Lounge on a Wednesday night, I'll get you storted out) and then when he finally gets a "yes" (pardon a girl for needing a moment to fang out with her new diamond in the ladies) he uses a little silver, a few werewolves and almost killing you in the back of Alcide's van as an excuse to be all "um...this never happened, okay".

BRITISH ACCENT:

DARCY: ALL DAY LONG.

VAMPIRE BILL: Here, Sawyer goes for Moyer. Serious. VB, you've got what mamma wants. Why won't you give it up now and then? Your southern accent is like nails on a chalkboard--why you use it instead of revealing yourself as the tasty Brit you are, I just can't fathom. This is a bigger fail than the marriage proposal.

SURPRISE TALLY:

DARCY: 420,568,600

VAMPIRE BILL: 468,600

BILL BITES. DARCY DELIGHTS!

EVERYONE'S ON FACEBOOK

2009-01-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

First it was my editor, then my friends, then me, then mom and now....FWD!

CHECK IT!

Stand by your man....

2008-12-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

What's a dark, dreamy hero with stunted social skills without a diminuitive, slightly fey sidekick sporting asymetric blonde swoopy bangs? We don't know. What we do know is that without the sunny object of man love Darcy - and Rudolph- wouldn't be appreciated as the emo hunks of burning mope that they really are. So here's a little shout out to the man behind the mope---keep doing what you do and rock those swoopy bangs!

Darcy needs him a swoopy-banged man because when at a dance. He acts like THIS:

Advice from Babes: FWD when you're at a ball, and you can't recommend yourself to strangers, and you are in no humor to give consequence to ladies who've been slighted by other men...don't just stand there in what your swoopy-banged compadre would call "this stupid manner." he's right: we'd much better have you dance. So give Hermey- we mean Bingley- a break. Do what the nice men in this video tell you.

I'll be waiting.

Merry Christmas All

2008-12-22T11:48:00.001-08:00

Darcy v. Hipsters

2008-11-12T11:43:00.000-08:00

Gentle readers, I submit for your consideration a short list of things that hipster fashion has tried to replicate, but that fail miserably to make today’s men as delicious as Darcy.

Skinny Pants

Darcy: Darcy’s thighs are like Christmas hams. Delicious Christmas hams. (Or large, holiday-appropriate kosher meat products of your choosing.) I’ll bet he could scissor a hippo in half with those suckers. And his calves? Don’t get me started. In short, skinny pants only serve to accentuate his manliness.

Hipster: Sticks in a tube. That’s what your legs look like. Knobby little sticks in a tube. Ugh. And why are you wearing them sagged? You look like an old man in long johns.

Popped Collars

Darcy: Behold the way the upright collar frames and enhances the sinews of his masculine neck! Mind you, the only reason his collar works is because it’s designed that way. It’s not like it came folded down and he popped it up in an effort to…what, make himself look bigger so he can scare away other men trying to vie for a woman’s attention?

Hipster: No, seriously. Put your collar down. Trust me, it looks stupid. Put it down, or it’s not the only thing around here that’s going to get popped. I’m not kidding.

Longish, Tousled Hair

Darcy: The tousling makes one want to smooth his curly locks. With one’s fingers. Just run them through a little bit to… hold still, now. There. Um, as long as I’m over here with my hands in your hair, you wanna make out or something? Hey, me too!

Hipster: Let’s talk about that thing you’re doing to your head. It’s an insult to both of us. I can’t determine your gender without seeing you naked, and I’m about 99% sure it’s not worth the effort (see also: skinny pants).

No offense to fashion designers trying to make a buck off of impressionable youth, but you just can't improve upon perfection. Or try to replicate it in a totally different era. The Babes in Pemberly Woods want to know: In what other ways was the Fashion of Darcy superior to comparable "modern" styles?

Maureen Dowd gets it....Obama v. Darcy

2008-11-02T16:40:00.000-08:00

Maureen Dowd gets it.

DARCY NIPPLE VIEW!

2008-09-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

Colin Firth hasn't given Gwyn Cready a cover blurb yet---but I will. Seducing Mr. Darcy is hot, adorable, and irresistable. Rip it's wet, white shirt off and have your way with it by the pond out front of Pemberly.

Reminds us a bit of Thursday Next's plotline---which we've loved for years. But is still a great read!
Take a peek: see how Flip meets Darcy. Then go out and buy the book!

To Elizabeth it appeared, that had her family made an agreement to expose themselves as much as they could during the evening,

2008-08-10T13:47:00.001-07:00

Less a DarcyWar and more a public service announcement: Gentlemen, if you're lucky enough to win Elizabeth's heart and waltz her down the aisle.....don't muck it up!

Enquiring minds want to remind you.

Darcy V. Darth THE MUSICAL!

2008-08-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

Mamma Mia

2008-08-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

Friends---my most recent ETSY.COM purchase. Front and back. LUZ!
AND
True story folks. The other day I woke up and in the haze between sleep and wakefulness experienced the delicious feeling of being in love. "Hmmm" I thought, " I don't remember falling in love....that's funny." Then I remembered. I saw Mamma Mia the night before and was still basking in the delight.

This blogger's best nightmare is a Firth (complete with wet white shirt) / Brosnan sammich---and readers, she got one in Mamma Mia. AND AND AND, Merryl is amazing. Now, the movie's a train wreck, it's true. The plot is ridiculous---but the movie is like a summer fling. Love it and roll that way.

Darcy V. Obama

2008-06-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

Now that Clinton's out of the way the only thing Obama has to worry about is DD (darling Darcy). Darcy's oratory is minimal and veiled. He dreams of doing things, but is too restrained to do them. Obama on the other hand peels off oratory that melts not just the heart of the favoured Bennet girl, but of the entire new world- and parts of Europe. Hell the SF gate's got a man-crush on him so hard they're referring to him as a lightworker

Enlightened, probably. But what lights up my heart like Darcy. Damn near nuttin.

In a talk dirty to me world, Obama's got the goods. But if we want to really rock out with our caucus out we can't overlook the power of the strong silent. So----tall, dark and yummy or strong and slient.

This Obama-girl is tormented by the choice.
Can we decide?
Yes We CAN!

Darcy: I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Obama: We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Bad Boys Face Off: Darcy vs. Darth

2008-05-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

It's a fact that's been proven in movie after angsty teen movie: Nice guys finish last. Ladies love bad boys! So break out your hairspray, struggle into some leather pants, and see if you can get your dangly skull earring back into that piercing you let grow over when you graduated college. It's time for the dark side of DarcyWars.

Oh that's right. She done did it. This face-off is between Darcy and the masked man to end all masked men: Darth Vader.

As with all posts, I leave it to you, Gentle Reader, to judge. I present only closing arguments for each contender. This time in poem form!

The Reigning Champion (a haiku)

Willow tree in bloom
Irresistible Darcy
Break me off a piece

Darth Vader!

D is for dastardly, devilish, and dire.
A is for arson--he'll set you on fire!
R is for ruthless, a trait I find scrumps.
T is for drinking. I've got your two lumps. ;)
H is for hellish; I do like 'em bad.
Now for his last name, which I wish I had:
V is for voicebox; his gives me this shivers.
A is for arms, where enfolded I'd quiver.
D is for DUCK! Is he choking or squeezing? (With Vader, I'd guess either one would be pleasing.)
E is for ebon, in which he is dressed.
R is for ruv. Because I ruv him best.

What's the vote, people? Dark side or Darcy?

Ps: You can try to resist Darth Vader. But if you do, he will choke you. With his mind.

DUDES VS DARCY

2008-04-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

EARL of Darcy

2008-04-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

The menfolk weigh in re: Darcy V. Donahue
This post was just too great not to share:

If I'm being honest with you, which I am, and if I am speaking as an uberheterosexual male who's adored women to a palpably (get me?) painful degree since first laying immature eyes on Dagmar's twin torpedoes of mass destruction, which once again I am, then I must cast my vote with Darcy on the basis of Colin Firth's being among the half dozen men I'd date, the aforesaid notwithstanding. I admire Donahue, make no mistake. But for me, he's just not dating material, dawg.

Darcy v. Darcy

2008-03-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

The inevitable Epic DarcyWar started brewing in 2005, when Director Joe Wright had the audacity to cast Matthew Macfayden as Fitzwilliam Darcy in a feature-length movie version of Pride and Prejudice. Macfayden's fluffy, emo portrayal of Darcy captured the heart of every American woman of a certain age--except, of course, for those of us who had the good fortune to see Colin Firth set the same role aflame in the gripping six-part BBC miniseries ten years earlier.

That said, I suppose Macfayden deserves a shot at the title. Let's weigh the pros and cons of the two Darcys--Matthew Macfayden (RetarDarcy) and Colin Firth (Darcylicious)--and see who comes out on top. Ahem.

Pros

RetarDarcy: I dress better and have better hair than he does. I mean, good heavens. It looks like he has spent hours facing into a stiff wind. In contrast, I will appear more attractive than usual.
Points: +2.

Darcylicious: Effortlessly scrumptious and endlessly smoldering. Fancies "fine eyes" (check) and sharp wit (check) when it comes to women; shapely calves apparently not a must.
Points: +1,978.

Cons

RetarDarcy: Seems floppy in general. This characteristic is a significant drawback during couples skating, public appearances, and the majority of passionate situations.
Points: -3,584.

Darcylicious: Makes me drool. In public. Bibs no longer considered an acceptable fashion accessory (though judging from current fashion trends, this point may soon be moot).
Points: -.001.

Shocking Final Score

RetarDarcy: - 3,582
Darcylicious: +1,977.999

Donahue vs Darcy

2008-03-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

I can sum this battle up in 5 words, "Donahue, you is my boo!"

I love me some Donahue. Have since I was knee high to a grasshopper. And he just gets better and better and better ....
How does he stand up to Darcy?

Friends, I'munna need your help!

Darcy and Donahue----snacky double D.

So different. So loveable.

English v Irish---not a battle I'll be taking on---but one well documented elsewhere.

See....Donahue is a woman's man. There's no getting 'round it.
Not in a shaken-not-stirred or Cptn. Kirk-ish way---OH NO! He is redefines the phrase by offering the first (and finest) example known to woman-kind of the sensitive new-age man or SNAG. Open-minded. At ease with himself; engaged in the world; and the unparalelled King Midas of conversation - which is quite a gauntlet to Darcy's inability to recommend himself to strangers. That's a peg down for Darcy-- at least as far as this verbally titillated lady is concerned.

DD (darling Darcy) will have to get up early in the morning to unseat Phil from his toasty/hosty-throne.

The ballte's a tough one. They're quite equal in the baby blues department and fairly well-matched when it comes to loving a feminist making waves in her own world. (Well played Marlo! Hurrah Lizzie!)

Let's hear what the gentlemen have to say.

Hand the mic to Phil:

Is it any wonder that for millions of men the only intimacy is physical, silent, and predictable?
Phil Donahue

Marlo taught me things I thought I knew.
Phil Donahue

Mic to Darcy

Mr. Darcy: But not half a dozen would satisfy my notion of an accomplished woman.

Friends, you'll have to weigh in on this one. It's just too tough for me to call.

Darcy V. Mos Def

2008-03-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

A delectable dilemma presents! The Babes in Pemberley Woods wonder: Can Mos Def shove Mr. Darcy out of the Hot Seat? He's lacking in the tallness department.... But in Mos Def's case, the Babes are willing to concede an important point: We're all the same height lying down. In the shade of an oak, of course; doing proper things like embroidery and, um, reading.

Let's let the gentlemen speak for themselves. Here's Darcy and Def on the ladies:

Mr. Darcy: I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow.

Mos Def: I seen her on the ave., spotted her more than once. Ass so fat that you could see it from the front. She spot me like paparazzi, shot me a glance in that Catwoman stance with the fat booty pants. Hot damn.

DARCY V. LYMAN

2008-03-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

This, friends, is the battle that started it all. Babes in Pemberly Woods struggled with this one. Our discourse went a little like this:
S: Is MR. Darcy hotter than Josh Lyman? That's what's keeping me up nights.
J: Yes, but only marginally so.
S: You're right--- Darcy is a real man with a house and all---Lyman is a man/boy with an addictive personality
J: Right! Also, I feel like mr. darcy is more socially presentable. it might just be because he's taller, though.

WOOrds, WOOrds, WOOrds

Darcy: "I certainly have not the talent which some possess... of conversing easily with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done"

Lyman:Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not your sixth grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House Press Corps.
[heads to the podium]

Darcy: My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.

Welcome to Darcy Wars

2008-03-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Darcy Wars.

Was ever a fictional character more drool-ed over than the famous Mr. Darcy. Indeed, no. Women of a certain age agree-- no one can live up to his perfection. He is beyond reproach. And---what with the swank digs and all---well--what more need be said?

We dare you world. Show us just one as dreamy as Darcy. BRING IT!

Sincerely,
Babes in Pemberly Woods